Low desire or lost spark: how to dial your sexuality back up

Desire ebbs and flows. Stress, a new baby, a busy job, a long relationship: all of these can turn the volume down. It doesn’t mean you’re broken, or that the spark has gone for good.

The NHS lists relationship problems, stress, anxiety or depression, pregnancy and having a baby, and hormone changes among the main causes of a low sex drive. Plenty of that is workable.

What actually helps

Know about responsive desire

Some people feel desire out of the blue. For many others it shows up after things get started, which is sometimes called responsive desire. If that’s you, waiting to “feel like it” first can mean waiting a long time.

Make space for it

Scheduling sounds unsexy, but anticipation is part of the fun. Protect an evening, put the phones away and let the day go first.

Reconnect with yourself

Dialling your sexuality back up starts with you. Wear something that makes you feel good (our lingerie edit is a start), move your body, and touch for pleasure with no goal.

Touch without a destination

Agree on a night of massage or kissing with no expectation of sex. Taking the pressure away can give desire room to come back.

Talk honestly

Say what’s going on for you rather than what’s wrong with them. “I miss us” lands better than “we never…”.

Check the basics

Sleep, stress and alcohol all play a part; the NHS lists drinking too much alcohol as one cause. If you think a medicine or contraception is affecting your sex drive, the NHS says to see a GP.

Products that can genuinely help

Nothing here switches desire on. These make it easier to slow down, feel good in your body and play.

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So Divine Sandalwood & Fig Sensual Massage Oil

Why it can help: A no-pressure way to reconnect: massage first, and see where it goes.

Good for beginners What it’s for: Slow, skin-on-skin massage: an unhurried way to start.

Price

£ £9.99

Retailer

So Divine

• Scented with fig and sandalwood (per the listing)
• For massage on the skin; keep oils away from latex condoms

Shop at So Divine

So Divine Self-Pleasure Rechargeable Bullet

Why it can help: For solo exploration on your own terms, to rediscover what you enjoy.

Good for beginners What it’s for: Small, quiet buzz for external play; easy to hold and to travel with.

Price

££ £34.99 · Price checked 11 Oct 2026

Retailer

So Divine

• Ten speeds, rechargeable (per the listing)
• Designed for external use (per the listing)

Shop at So Divine

So Divine Je t'aime Couple's Heart Vibrator

Why it can help: A small, playful toy to share, for when you want to try something new together.

For couples What it’s for: A palm-sized vibrator to share during foreplay or sex.

Price

£ £29.99

Retailer

So Divine

• Heart-shaped and discreet (per the listing)
• 12 settings (per the listing)

Shop at So Divine

Also on our shortlists

• LELO Flickering Touch Massage Candle: a slow, tactile start to a night in (Couples extras guide)
• Beginner lingerie sets: pieces that feel good to wear, not just to look at

Want a gentle way back in? Some people find reading or listening to something sensual, alone or together, eases the pressure. Frolicme is a women-led members’ library of ethical erotic films, audio and stories, made for women and couples. Paid membership, 18+ only.

Questions people ask

Is it normal to lose interest in sex?

Yes. Desire changes over time and with life events. The NHS lists stress, relationship problems, pregnancy and having a baby, and hormone changes among the common causes. If it’s worrying you, a GP can help.

What if my partner wants sex more than I do?

That’s very common. Our guide to mismatched libidos covers how to talk about it and find a rhythm that suits you both.

Can lingerie or toys really help?

They’re not a fix, but they can help you feel playful and add new sensations, which makes it easier to get in the mood.